It is very difficult to praise a Man without putting him out of Countenance. My following Correspondent has found out this uncommon Art, and, together with his Friends, has celebrated some of my Speculations after such a concealed but diverting manner, that if any of my Readers think I am to blame in Publishing my own Commendations, they will allow I should have deserved their Censure as much, had I suppressed the Humour in which they are convey'd to me.
SIR,
'I am often in a private Assembly of Wits of both Sexes, where we generally descant upon your Speculations, or upon the Subjects on which you have treated. We were last Tuesday talking of those two Volumes which you have lately published. Some were commending one of your Papers, and some another; and there was scarce a single Person in the Company that had not a favourite Speculation. Upon this a Man of Wit and Learning told us, he thought it would not be amiss if we paid the Spectator the same Compliment that is often made in our publick Prints to Sir William Read, Dr. Grant, Mr. Moor the Apothecary; [1] and other eminent Physicians, where it is usual for the Patients to publish the Cures which have been made upon them, and the several Distempers under which they laboured. The Proposal took, and the Lady where we visited having the two last Volumes in large Paper interleav'd for her own private use, ordered them to be brought down, and laid in the Window, whither every one in the Company retired, and writ down a particular Advertisement in the Style and Phrase of the like ingenious Compositions which we frequently meet with at the end of our News-Papers. When we had finish'd our Work, we read them with a great deal of Mirth at the Fire-side, and agreed, Nemine contradicente, to get them transcrib'd, and sent to the Spectator. The Gentleman who made the Proposal enter'd the following Advertisement before the Title-Page, after which the rest succeeded in order.
_Remedium efficax et universum_; or, An effectual Remedy adapted to
all Capacities; shewing how any Person may Cure himself of
Ill-Nature, Pride, Party-Spleen, or any other Distemper incident to
the human System, with an easie way to know when the Infection is
upon him. This Panacea is as innocent as Bread, agreeable to the
Taste, and requires no Confinement. It has not its Equal in the
Universe, as Abundance of the Nobility and Gentry throughout the
Kingdom have experienced.
N. B. 'No Family ought to be without it.
Over the two Spectators on Jealousy, being the two first in the third Volume.
I _William Crazy_, aged Threescore and seven, having been for
several Years afflicted with uneasie Doubts, Fears and Vapours,
occasion'd by the Youth and Beauty of _Mary_ my Wife, aged twenty
five, do hereby for the Benefit of the Publick give Notice, that I
have found great Relief from the two following Doses, having taken
them two Mornings together with a Dish of Chocolate. Witness my
Hand, &c.
For the Benefit of the Poor.
'In charity to such as are troubled with the Disease of Levee-
Haunting, and are forced to seek their Bread every Morning at the
Chamber Doors of great Men, I _A. B._ do testifie, that for many
Years past I laboured under this fashionable Distemper, but was
cured of it by a Remedy which I bought of Mrs. _Baldwin_, contain'd
in an Half-Sheet of Paper, marked No. 193. where any one may be
provided with the same Remedy at the price of a single Penny.
An infallible Cure for Hypocondriack Melancholys.
No. 173. 184. 191. 203. 209. 221. 233. 235. 239. 245. 247. 251.
Probatum est.
_Charles Easy_.
'I _Christopher Query_ having been troubled with a certain Distemper
in my Tongue, which shewed it self in impertinent and superfluous
Interrogatories, have not asked one unnecessary Question since my
Perusal of the Prescription marked No. 228.
'The _Britannick Beautifyer_, being an Essay on Modesty, No. 231.
which gives such a delightful Blushing Colour to the Cheeks of those
that are White or Pale, that it is not to be distinguished from a
natural fine Complection, nor perceived to be artificial by the
nearest Friend: Is nothing of Paint, or in the least hurtful. It
renders the Face delightfully handsome; is not subject to be rubbed
off, and cannot be parallelled by either Wash, Powder, Cosmetick,
&c. It is certainly the best Beautifier in the World.
_Martha Gloworm._
'I _Samuel Self_, of the Parish of _St. James's_, having a
Constitution which naturally abounds with Acids, made use of a Paper
of Directions marked No. 177. recommending a healthful Exercise
called _Good-Nature_, and have found it a most excellent Sweetner of
the Blood.
'Whereas I, _Elizabeth Rainbow_, was troubled with that Distemper in
my Head, which about a Year ago was pretty Epidemical among the
Ladies, and discover'd it self in the Colour of their Hoods, having
made use of the Doctor's Cephalick Tincture, which he exhibited to
the Publick in one of his last Year's Papers, I recover'd in a very
few Days.
'I _George Gloom_ have for a long time been troubled with the
Spleen, and being advis'd by my Friends to put my self into a Course
of Steele, did for that end make use of Remedies convey'd to me
several Mornings, in short Letters, from the Hands of the invisible
Doctor. They were marked at the bottom _Nathaniel Henroost, Alice
Threadneedle, Rebecca Nettletop, Tom. Loveless, Mary Meanwell,
Thomas Smoaky, Anthony Freeman, Tom Meggot, Rustick Sprightly,_ &c.
which have had so good an Effect upon me, that I now find my self
chearful, lightsome and easie; and therefore do recommend them to
all such as labour under the same Distemper.
Not having room to insert all the Advertisements which were sent me, I have only picked out some few from the Third Volume, reserving the Fourth for another Opportunity.
O.
[Footnote 1: Sir William Read, a doctor who could hardly read, was one of the most pertinacious advertisers of his time. He advertised in the Tatler that he had been 35 years in the practice of
'couching cataracts, taking off all sorts of wens, curing wry necks and hair lips without blemish, though never so deformed.'
His wife assisted him, and after his death carried on his business, advertising that,
'The Lady Read, in Durham Yard, in the Strand, having obtained a peculiar method of couching cataracts and curing all diseases of the eyes, by Sir William Read's method and medicines, and having had above 15 years' experience ... Note. Sir William Read has left only with his lady the true receipt of his Styptich Water,' &c., &c.
Dr. Grant was another advertising oculist, illiterate and celebrated, originally a tinker or cobbler, afterwards a Baptist preacher in Southwark.
Mr. Moore sold a powder which, according to his advertisements, brought off worms of incredible length.]
Translation of motto: